My Kid Won't Talk to Me: Every Teen Parent's Dilemma
If your teens won't talk to you, ask yourself these 3 questions.
When children are little, they won’t shut up.
When children hit their teen years, they won’t open up.
I remember years of asking my 3 kids to quiet down so I could make a call, drive safely, think!
Then as pre-teens and teens, they retreated to their rooms when I was on a call, sat in sullen silence while I drove, and I had all the time in the world to wonder how to ask a question of them that wouldn’t be answered, “Fine.”
How was school? Fine.
How was practice? Fine.
How are you feeling? Fine.
Your chances of an actual conversation — and actually knowing your teen — will be much greater if you try these three simple strategies.
1. Ask Open-ended Questions
Beware of questions beginning with “Did you” and “How was.” These are closed-ended yes/no questions — or questions that could be answered with “fine.” Express genuine curiosity with open-ended statement requests for information that begin, “Tell me about,” and follow up with a relevant detail.
So, rather than,"How was soccer practice?” say, “Tell me about soccer practice today.” Follow up with, “I know your left ankle was bothering you.”
Rather than, “How was the biology test?” say, “Tell me about the bio test.” Follow up with, “I know you studied your ass off.” (I highly, highly recommend strategically-placed, soft curse words to establish credibility with teenagers, so long as it feels natural for you.)
Even following this solid open-ended questioning strategy, you may have a tough nut to crack, as I had with my older daughter. She is an uber-competitive athlete. She is laser-focused, single-minded, and has no time for those who can’t speak the language of her passion. I’m a creative soul who has always shriveled in competition. I practice yoga. You get it.
When she was a 14 year old high school varsity basketball player, I was benched as a potential conversation partner. She would look at me with disdain as I struggled to ask an appropriate question.
You don’t know what you’re talking about, she’d say. Damn! I’d think. She’s on to me!
If you can relate, don’t give up. Stay attentive. With patience, you’ll get a golden opportunity. My opportunity with my daughter came with 30 for 30, which is an ESPN documentary series about people and events in sports history. My daughter asked me to watch an episode with her, which happened to be titled, “ This Magic Moment.” Yes, indeed.
The story of Shaquille O’Neal and Penny Hardaway satisfied my daughter’s love for statistics and competition—and my love of an emotional backstory. While we watched, she dribbled her basketball in front of the television, and I sat riveted. She looked over at me and said in horror, “Are you crying?”
Yep.
While we appreciated the program for different reasons, 30 for 30 was our magic moment. While I can’t claim we were chatty bffs after this, I can say, I got myself off the bench — at least, for a moment.
2. Allow for Silence.
Sometimes when we want to talk to our kids, we need to do the opposite: Just shut up and give them space.
It takes practice and experimentation to discern between moments to nudge a conversation open and moments to leave it alone. How do you know the difference? Tune in to your kid’s energy and respect their shutdowns.
Years ago, I was picking up my youngest daughter (high school freshman at the time) from school. As soon as she walked out the doors and saw my face, tears started falling down her cheeks. The minute she slid into the car seat, I was all over her. “What’s wrong? Are you ok? What happened?”
I don’t want to talk about it, she said.
This was my first conscious commitment to actually respect her wish for me to shut up. Oh, the pain of it! The wild discomfort of wanting answers, of wanting to solve her problem!
“Ok,” I said. “If you change your mind, and want to talk, I’m right here.”
I wanted to touch her, but I gave her space. She cried and looked out the window. Interestingly, it didn’t take long for her to start talking. It may have even been while we were still driving. But I am certain had I pushed, I would have added anger and irritation on top of her sadness, and she very well may have retreated to her bedroom for the night.
Some moments require more space and more silence than this one. Your child may need hours or days. Do you have the patience and love to respect their shutdown and say, “Whenever you are ready to talk, I am here?”
If your child is shutting you down for extended periods, it’s time to get curious. Sometimes we back off when we need to draw closer. What is your child’s energy? Does it feel “off”? Is she keeping secrets about things that need to be out in the open?
Keep practicing and experimenting. Come closer. Back off, give space. This is a dynamic, living relationship. There is no script. There is no single recipe.
Go first.
Kids don’t want to share with a parent who is emotionally inaccessible. You, the parent, need to be vulnerable and open first. You set the tone. You show your humanity, your failings, your ignorance, your confusion. Your honesty and openness, your relatability is the open door they so desperately need.
Let me distinguish emotional accessibility from emotional enmeshment. My mother and I were emotionally enmeshed my entire childhood. There seemed to be no “her” and no “me;” there was only us. Her problems were my problems, her past traumas were my burdens, and her loneliness my problem to solve.
Yes, I could tell her anything. And she told me everything. This is not healthy. And any variation of this needs to be avoided at all costs.
What I am attempting to describe is becoming real to your child. Boundaries are clear: you are you, and your child is himself/herself. I am suggesting you become more and more aware of moments to share your current emotion and challenges and past challenges—all appropriately tailored for your child’s age and experience, edited in a way to protect them from worrying about you.
This is a skill to refine. And you need to practice it, not only to build trust and intimacy between you and your child, but also to model for them emotional agility (Read Susan David!).
If you inadvertently overshare, if you refuse an opportunity to share, it’s ok. Address it with your child when you become conscious of your misstep.
If you remain a mystery to your teen, they will likely remain a mystery to you.
Any real conversation with a teenager is a rare gift to be treasured. So please, when your teen talks to you, do not act as police, priest, or snitch. Don’t punish, sermonize, or share with others. If you take on any of those roles, you will be back to square one. And rightfully so.